Pro Wrestling Powerhouse

WWE Royal Rumble in a Nutshell: 1988-1992

1991_Royal_Rumble

WWE Royal Rumble Matches
in a Nutshell

Since my WWE WrestleMania in a Nutshell series was such an explosive success that everybody loved (you know not to suck myself off or anything even though I am the ONLY person who can suck me off and I would be satisfied) I have been thinking of other events to do quick recaps off.

I originally intended to do Survivor Series in a Nutshell, but my schedule ended up being to the point that I couldn’t even attempt to do it. I will get down to it eventually hopefully so I will let you all eagerly anticipate that moment for the time being until your eagerness turns to obsession and that gnaws away at you before you end up killing yourself when I eventually don’t finish it…you know as you do.

Since the Royal Rumble is the next major PPV of WWE, even though its being headlined by the fucking Rock which is reason enough to lose my hope that WWE will ever move on from the fucking Attitude Era, I figured I would do the Royal Rumble in a Nutshell.

Then, I realized, ‘Oh shit, even though I am the very definition of flawlessness, the Royal Rumble match itself covers most of the events and doing it in the same way I did Wrestlemania in a Nutshell, while the greatest entertainment that the IWC has enjoyed this year even though I could care less about entertaining those fat pathetic primates’, would in no way do the events justice.

So I, being the intelligent Apex of Brainpower, decided to just cover the Royal Rumble matches themselves. You may call that laziness if only because you are jealous fucks…so here are the Royal Rumble matches in a Nutshell!

Here’s how it will go down: I will list the participants in order of entrants and then the order of eliminations along with some mini comments on each individual. They are not intended to be reviews so just loosen up and don’t fucking ask what I thought about the matches themselves. So let’s get started:

Rumble

WWE Royal Rumble 1988

Entrants

1. Bret Hart (Masturbation Material out first? Sounds about right)

2. Tito Santana (I’m sure a lot of fans in the 80’s learned Spanish from Tito and their sex life hasn’t changed since)

3. Butch Reed (Sweet Daddy Siki 2.0)

4. Jim Neidhart (Oh look it’s a fat guy in a unitard this isn’t World’s Strongest Man)

5. Jake Roberts (He keeps his snake in a sack)

6. Harley Race (Not gonna lie the whole King thing was awesome)

7. Jim Brunzell (Jumping through hoops)

8. Sam Houston (Does being an addict run in his family)

9. Danny Davis (Bringing his officiating skills to the match)

10. Boris Zhukov (Hey look a guy who you only know is a foreigner)

11. Don Muraco (THE Don might I add)

12. Nikolai Volkoff (better singer then everybody out there right now)

13. Jim Duggan (What was this guy’s deal with the 2×4?)

14. Ron Bass (Ron who?)

15. B. Brian Blair (Triple B Baby!)

16. Hillbilly Jim (Don’t go messing with country boy!)

17. Dino Bravo (I thought the dinosaurs were extinct)

18. The Ultimate Warrior (An asshole ladies and gentleman)

19. One Man Gang (Isn’t he black?)

20. Junkyard Dog (No I mean One Man Gang)

Eliminations

1. Butch Reed (With as much success as Sweet Daddy Siki)

2. Tito Santana (Just like the Spanish)

3. Boris Zhukov (Hey look the foreigner is eliminated early)

4. Harley Race (I call for a restart the King wasn’t prepared for the idiocy of the other competitors)

5. Jim Brunzell (only to go straight into Bee killing spray)

6. Jim Neidhart (Sorry World’s strongest candidate you are on drugs)

7. Sam Houston (Answer is yes obviously)

8. Bret Hart (Masturbation Material not winning? Sounds about right)

9. B. Brian Blair (What? He’s the opposite Triple H?!)

10. Jake Roberts (Half way there…just like his trousers exposing his snake in his sack)

11. Nikolai Volkoff (Just like every singer)

12. Hillbilly Jim (unless you are the One Man Gang)

13. Danny Davis (Disqualify Duggan Brad…I mean Danny)

14. The Ultimate Warrior (Excuse me I am having an orgasm)

15. Junkyard Dog (Racism and cruelty to animals)

16. Ron Bass (Who Bass?)

17. Don Muraco (By Dino Bravo as well…oh the tragic irony)

18. Dino Bravo (Eliminated by a Gang…foreshadowing much?)

19. One Man Gang (Should have bust a cap in his ass Gang)

Winner: Jim Duggan (A 2×4 and HO! Oh that’s why)

WWE Royal Rumble 1989

Entrants

1. Ax (Here comes the Ax!)

2. Smash (And here comes the Smasher!)

3. Andre the Giant (And yes he did make it to the ring IWC even if he can barely move)

4. Mr Perfect (The awesomeness that is Curt Hennig)

5. Ronnie Garvin (A guy who beat Ric Flair? Why not?)

6. Greg Valentine (What was the deal with 80’s WWE and objects that could seriously hurt people?)

7. Jake Roberts (His snake scares people into having heart attacks)

8. Ron Bass (Ron who?)

9. Shawn Michaels (The Shawn Michaels of the Rockers)

10. Bushwhacker Butch (aka how to get over with horrible body odour)

11. The Honky Tonk Man (I demand a Honk y Tonk/Elvis duet)

12. Tito Santana (Would it take just a red cape to eliminate him?)

13. Bad News Brown (Oh hi prick!)

14. Marty Jannetty (The Marty Jannetty of the Rockers)

15. Randy Savage (The WWE Champion in the Royal Rumble? These days this would be so called salvation for the unify the belts crowd)

16. Arn Anderson (Flair must have been real lonely)

17. Tully Blanchard (Gee I wonder why they were called the Brain Busters?)

18. Hulk Hogan (Well I know who’s gonna win)

19. Bushwhacker Luke (Apparently they were called the Sheepherders before going to WWE)

20. Koko B Ware (Hey Koko give me the bird!)

21. The Warlord (Apparently he is a legend in the Royal Rumble)

22. The Big Boss Man (Perfect Law Enforcer right there)

23. Akeem (Wasn’t he a gang banger?)

24. Brutus Beefcake (How could people cheer for forced haircuts the savages?)

25. The Red Rooster (A Rooster? Let’s eliminate it)

26. The Barbarian (Why do I have the song of an old cartoon about a barbarian in my head now?)

27. Big John Studd (He may be a studd but I’m a real stud)

28. Hercules (Ok…that is not the Hercules I was thinking off)

29. Rick Martel (How the hell did he go over a year without the Model gimmick?)

30. Ted DiBiase (See? Money is not the root of evil you poor poor bastard

Eliminations

1. Smash (Smasher got Smashed!)

2. Ronnie Garvin (huh…I guess him beating Flair was a fluke)

3. Jake Roberts (Ok just for the record I was talking about Damien not the other snake)

4. Ax (The ax got dented! Man I could write my own Demolition theme song)

5. Andre The Giant (Eliminated himself…first Hall of Famer for a reason kiddie)

6. The Honky Tonk Man (On second thought don’t quite your day job of being a douchebag)

7. Ron Bass (who Bass?)

8. Greg Valentine (And there goes the hammer…why hasn’t anybody’s nickname been the power drill?)

9. Shawn Michaels (And here I thought Shawn was supposed to be good in Royal Rumbles)

10. Marty Jannetty (I could hear you all saying no shit earlier as well by the way)

11. Mr Perfect (and its Hogan who eliminates one of my favourites natch)

12. Tito Santana (A red cape would probably work and that’s why he became a matador)

13. Bushwhacker Butch (Your body odour can’t save you now!)

14. Koko B Ware (HEY! That’s rude no reason to take your elimination frustration out on me)

15. Bushwhacker Luke (sheepherders ha ha…better than being a bushwhacker!)

16. Arn Anderson (He can feel free to catch to his best buddy and chicken out of WWE now)

17. Tully Blanchard (Man my brain is busting to know why Blanchard and Anderson are called the Brain Busters)

18. The Warlord (oh yeah…that’s why (*smirk*))

19. Randy Savage (and in the modern era the title unification group would start moaning at this while I start collecting their tears)

20. Bad News Brown (This here what you call mediocrity)

21. Hulk Hogan (Oh…never mind then)

22. The Big Boss Man (except Hogan is above the law)

23. The Red Rooster (I said eliminate him not eliminate him you morons)

24. Brutus Beefcake (Oh wait as long as its people who deserves haircuts then that’s alright)

25. Hercules (That’s what the guy gets for stealing somebodies name)

26. The Barbarian (And there go all the folklore warriors)

27. Rick Martel (That’s how now get the gigantic badge)

28. Akeem (you see if he was a gang banger this wouldn’t have happened)

29. Ted DiBiase (And you poor poor bastards cheer because somebody who made something of himself has lost)

Winner: Big John Studd (He should have accepted the money…he needs it)

Royal_Rumble_1990

WWE Royal Rumble 1990

Entrants

1. Ted DiBiase (Clearly wants to give everybody else a fighting chance)

2. Koko B Ware (Why didn’t Koko give birds out to people in the audience? I think that would have gone down well)

3. Marty Jannetty (I would say that Marty Jannetty was like the Justin Gabriel of 20 years ago)

4. Jake Roberts (In the middle of a feud with Ted DiBiase)

5. Randy Savage (The Macho King baby!)

6. Roddy Piper (This year showed how emotionally invested in races Piper is)

7. The Warlord (Probably hoping that this rumble goes better for him)

8. Bret Hart (And the smart marks of the time start gushing)

9. Bad News Brown (Things Brown had going for him: He’s big, He’s black he’s…umm give me a moment)

10. Dusty Rhodes (Can’t beat his, Can’t beat his, no can’t beat his POLKA DOTS!)

11. Andre the Giant (Have to say pairing him with Haku was a smart move)

12. The Red Rooster (And now I feel hungry)

13. Ax (How resilient is that Ax?)

14. Haku (Hey look proof that Peter Maivia was trying to create his own Samoan army)

15. Smash (I think he’s gonna…oh I don’t know SMASH something)

16. Akeem (The epitome of the African dream)

17. Jimmy Snuka (So let me get this straight: A Superfly is a fly that is either a superhero or one on drugs?)

18. Dino Bravo (Will he be the victim of more tragic foreshadowing?)

19. Earthquake (Gotta love those simplistic naming of wrestlers there)

20. Jim Neidhart (And adding to the category of ‘wrestlers nicknamed after objects that can cause a lot of harm…)

21. The Ultimate Warrior (Oh whoop de doo)

22. Rick Martel (You know I take modelling tips from this guy and he is a genius)

23. Tito Santana (Please let it be a red cape that eliminates him this time)

24. The Honky Tonk Man (Anybody notice how Honky’s career just went spiralling down after losing the IC Title?)

25. Hulk Hogan (The WWE Champion’s in the Rumble HOLY SHIT!)

26. Shawn Michaels (Wow Michaels might have a real shot here)

27. The Barbarian (Ok what is the BIG deal with this guy?)

28. Rick Rude (Ok Rude is awesome)

29. Hercules (Ok what is the bigger deal with this guy?)

30. Mr Perfect (…umm I really don’t know what to say in regards to this)

Eliminations

1. Koko B Ware (You can’t see it right now but I am giving Koko the bird right now because payback is fun time)

2. Marty Jannetty (except he isn’t a guilty pleasure by any stretch of the imagination)

3. Jake Roberts (which ended up getting a screwy finish a staple of old WWE)

4. Randy Savage (Macho King being humble and WWE being idiots’ baby!)

5. The Warlord (did better by 8 minutes and 14 seconds well done you less of a loser)

6. Bad News Brown (umm…oh yeah he’s a prick as well)

7. Roddy Piper (which he proudly showed by having black face)

8. The Red Rooster (I don’t mean that as some kind of joke by the way I actually am hungry)

9. Bret Hart (and now I am gushing)

10. Andre the Giant (although appearing after Wrestlemania VI was ind of pointless)

11. Akeem (which explains why WCW beat WWE to it)

12. Dusty Rhodes (except for that Earthquake)

13. Ax (It takes an Earthquake to break the Ax…I’ll just go wake up a neighbour)

14. Earthquake (NO YOU FOOLS DON’T ELIMINATE HIM HIS FALL WILL WIPEOUT CHINA!)

15. Dino Bravo (eliminated by Warrior…tragic irony/foreshadowing denied)

16. Smash (HE GOT SMASHED…sounded funny in my head)

17. Jim Neidhart (Although seeing a guy get his head smashed by an anvil would be hilarious…in a cartoon you psycho)

18. Ted DiBiase (Shows how generous a millionaire can be doesn’t it by giving these nothings a chance)

19. Jimmy Snuka (if a Superfly is a fly on drugs then it explains a lot of Snuka’s life doesn’t it?)

20. Haku (Yeah…League of Shadows it ain’t Peter?)

21. Tito Santana (eliminated by Warrior and Martel…Maldiciones!)

22. The Honky Tonk Man (If not then here’s some more evidence thickos)

23. Shawn Michaels (Oh wait it’s later that he actually becomes good at Rumble matches)

24. Rick Martel (He had to let Warrior eliminate him because he has a modelling gig)

25. The Ultimate Warrior (I would say that there is a god but he ended up at Wrestlemania VI so there is a Satan which are the same thing granted)

26. The Barbarian (Yes I know I answered my own question pretty much)

27. Hercules (Because we know that you like em big right Vince? God I feel like DX now and want to kill myself)

28. Rick Rude (So totally not ravishing!)

29. Mr Perfect (Way to fucking cocktease me WWE you bitch!)

Winner: Hulk Hogan (Hulk Hogan is going to Wrestl…oh yeah not in effect yet my bad)

1991_Royal_Rumble

WWE Royal Rumble 1991

Entrants

1. Bret Hart (Isn’t Bret entering a Number 1 kind of been there done that)

2. Dino Bravo (It is slightly disturbing that I always look for tragic irony and foreshadowing when it comes to Bravo)

3. Greg Valentine (as a babyface as well)

4. Paul Roma (A legendary horsemen as well)

5. The Texas Tornado (How fast is the tornado you may wondering)

6. Rick Martel (Why don’t they sell Arrogance in shops?)

7. Saba Simba (You can thank this character for saving Tony Atlas…literally)

8. Bushwhacker Butch (Again what is the appeal of the Bushwhackers?)

9. Jake Roberts (You can roll over and die or get yourself a bigger snake)

10. Hercules (If only he was wrestling during the time that Disney’s Hercules was released)

11. Tito Santana (Blah Blah Red Cape elimination Blah)

12. The Undertaker (In his first Rumble appearance as well so he should do well)

13. Jimmy Snuka (Firmly entrenched in the role of ‘Star maker’)

14. Davey Boy Smith (Thank him for the UK getting SummerSlam a year later)

15. Smash (During the height of the Demolition demotion because the ‘real’ face painted motherfuckers arrived)

16. Hawk (How much of a rush?)

17. Shane Douglas (Why was Shane Douglas somewhat of a deal?)

18. Randy Savage (I realise that Savage made us care about all that heart-warming romance bullshit)

19. Animal (Here’s another example of wrestling never going for complicated names)

20. Crush (Oh look Demolition’s Paul Ellering)

21. Jim Duggan (First Royal Rumble winner…in case you didn’t know)

22. Earthquake (Ok guys you wiped out China last year when you eliminated him so be careful)

23. Mr Perfect (The perfect Intercontinental champion)

24. Hulk Hogan (Aah…Warrior failed as a top star didn’t he?)

25. Haku (I think I can say that once Andre left Haku was left sinking)

26. Jim Neidhart (Ok for those who like Bret blame Neidhart for it taking so long for him to become a singles wrestler)

27. Bushwhacker Luke (One arm up and there goes the front row)

28. Brian Knobs (One of Hogan’s friends who is loud and obnoxious)

29. The Warlord (Is it safe to say that the stigma of Warlord’s quick record elimination ruined him?)

30. Tugboat (…there is some innuendo there)

Eliminations

1. Dino Bravo (But come on he was eliminated by the Hammer…I’m going to hell)

2. Saba Simba (Doesn’t make this character any less of a success but better the person be saved I guess)

3. Paul Roma (The Horsemen of Pestilence I should say)

4. Bret Hart (Used as fodder for the Undertaker sounds about right)

5. Bushwhacker Butch (Were people so sexually depraved that they would let a man lick them on the face)

6. Jake Roberts (I would ask how he got a bigger snake but I don’t need to know)

7. The Texas Tornado (So fast that the tornado’s leg flew off…in horrible taste I know)

8. Jimmy Snuka (Well see you later you highly regarded murderer)

9. The Undertaker (Hard to imagine that Undertaker was once like every other monster heel as well)

10. Hawk (You know that one’s too easy)

11. Animal (I would call him Creature as opposed to Animal but I’m too intelligent I guess)

12. Jim Duggan (And if you didn’t know that he was the first Rumble Winner then wait to you see the banking of nostalgia moments decades later)

13. Smash (Fuck Smash Hogan is the real smasher)

14. Greg Valentine (And his potential storyline was ruined when Honky left the poor poor prick)

15. Tito Santana (Earthquake had a bit of red on his costume so that sort of counts I guess)

16. Bushwhacker Luke (Quick elimination and Luke acts like he never entered the ring thank god)

17. Hercules (And you could have also brought in James Woods as a manager)

18. Randy Savage (Savage actually no showed the match…stupid romantic stuff)

19. Crush (How many gimmick changers did this fucker go through anyway?)

20. The Warlord (1 minute 35 seconds and eliminated by Hogan again…if you find Warlord on the streets homeless give him some change)

21. Shane Douglas (by cutting shoot promos…so Punk ripped off this asshole)

22. Tugboat (Get it cause Sailors occupy boats and with no women they generally…you know what you are all worthless)

23. Mr Perfect (Unfortunately Perfect Intercontinental Champion is as high as he could go without overdoing it)

24. Jim Neidhart (I am above blaming somebody for somebody else’s problems personally…the hypocrisy right there)

25. Haku (Peter Maivia is not pleased…his plans against Liam Neeson can wait)

26. Rick Martel (See Arrogance causes long stints in Rumbles…all those blind sore losers)

27. Davey Boy Smith (and somewhere in the world Tom Billington laughs like the asshole that he is)

28. Brian Knobs (No I mean the blond Mohawk mullet guy not the other one)

29. Earthquake (Oh god damn it there goes Iraq…you did that on purpose didn’t you Hogan)

Winner: Hulk Hogan (And he did it…for America!)

WWE Royal Rumble 1992

Entrants

1. The British Bulldog (You can hear Tom Billington seethe over Davey Boy’s ring name)

2. Ted DiBiase (I could go on and on about how humble and kind the Million Dollar Man is)

3. Ric Flair (You learn to love Flair again thanks to Bobby Heenan’s masturbating…I mean commentating)

4. Jerry Sags (What a massive Sag of shit)

5. Haku (Am I right to assume that Samoan’s that have stereotypical savage gimmicks don’t normally prosper?)

6. Shawn Michaels (The beginning of the Heart Break Kid and becoming one of the most annoying legit people backstage)

7. Tito Santana (If rumours are to be believed Santana was considered for the title along with Bret)

8. The Barbarian (Barb, Barbarian, Ba Ba Barbarian)

9. The Texas Tornado (Tornado was literally…a one shot tenure)

10. Repo Man (When he repossess things he smashes’ them)

11. Greg Valentine (One attack on old rival/partner and fade into the background)

12. Nikolai Volkoff (Right time to bring him back after the Cold War)

13. The Big Boss Man (Learned in the build-up to Wrestlemania VII that he doesn’t like people insulting his momma)

14. Hercules (Oh god damn it he isn’t Hercules!)

15. Roddy Piper (Piper’s entering? Umm…cool nice kilt by the way)

16. Jake Roberts (Known to make people cry with his gigantic snake)

17. Jim Duggan (The very first winner of the Roy…)

18. Irwin R. Schyster (How can people boo a guy just doing the job of himself and the government?)

19. Jimmy Snuka (A Superfly zombie)

20. The Undertaker (I’m actually a fan of the Undertaker/Flair brief alliance)

21. Randy Savage (Hey Macho you’re looking a bit weary how’s the venom?)

22. The Berzerker (A nutcase found by Fuji…yay to the max)

23. Virgil (Him turning on DiBiase had great payoff)

24. Col Mustafa (What was so difficult about bringing him back as the Iron Sheik)

25. Rick Martel (Who would have thought that he would have ended up getting one upped by Shawn Michaels later that year?)

26. Hulk Hogan (At this point people were really sick of Hogan)

27. Skinner (Now here’s the kind of grotesque freak that you people should strive not to become like)

28. Sgt Slaughter (Now back to be an American sympathiser…signs of the times much)

29. Sid Justice (aka the guy people wanted to win over Hogan)

30. The Warlord (Right this time he means business! No short time in the Rumble this time!)

Eliminations

1. Ted DiBiase (So I will…he let Bulldog eliminate him because he felt sorry for the English not being that successful in wrestling)

2. Jerry Sags (Go ahead and throw the Sag of Shit out of there Bulldog)

3. Haku (Of course I’m right for the most part)

4. Nikolai Volkoff (Too bad by that time nobody cared about Volkoff or the end of the Cold War…singings still good though)

5. Greg Valentine (The Hammer just got REPOED!)

6. Repo Man (Meh…Oh well I’ll just keeping humming his theme song)

7. The British Bulldog (Contrary to popular belief I don’t particularly care for Bulldog by the way)

8. The Texas Tornado (You may think I feel disgusted with myself but I’m actually proud)

9. Tito Santana (but this is proof that Canadians are a better target audience then Spanish)

10. Shawn Michaels (And this would lead to a pointless put over match with Santana)

11. The Barbarian (…oh come on somebody must know the cartoon I’m talking about)

12. Hercules (There he’s eliminated, he’s not the real Hercules now he can go away…I’m probably going to regret saying that aren’t I? Nah probably won’t)

13. The Big Boss Man (He’s been eliminated? I guess his momma passed on the gene of failure to him…probably even her actual jeans considering how big she is)

14. Jimmy Snuka (That’s what should have happened when he lost to Taker at Wrestlemania VII)

15. Jake Roberts (That and the King Cobra and being generally evil…truly a role model for us all)

16. Col Mustafa (Oh yeah shoot promos…welcome Col Mustafa and tough luck)

17. The Undertaker (Unfortunately it didn’t last long and they became enemies years later but hey can’t win them all…unless your me)

18. The Berzerker (Who would have thought that Berzerker predicted Immortal 18 years before it happened?)

19. Jim Duggan (Oh he’s out? I guess he did get lucky)

20. Virgil (After the payoff? Let’s just ignore that)

21. Skinner (which is why most of you are like this simple swamp thing)

22. Sgt Slaughter (He screwed over the Indy country Iraq for the mainstream country America…does this make him a sell out IWC?)

23. Irwin R Schyster (I’ll just blame Stone Cold after all I blame the Attitude Era for a lot of things)

24. The Warlord (1 Minute 43 seconds…again you see him on the streets give him some change)

25. Rick Martel (Eliminated by Justice…some Justice)

26. Roddy Piper (Has Piper been eliminated? Is he out of ear shot? Good…IT’S A DRESS!)

27. Randy Savage (Fortunately I am not willing to sink low enough to say that the venom took effect 19 years after he was injected with it…oh shit)

28. Hulk Hogan (And who would have thought that people still would be 20 years later)

29. Sid Justice (No reason for you to be such a sore sport Hogan…how is he a role model to kids again?)

Winner and NEW WWE Champion: Ric Flair (YES YES YES YES YES YES FLAIR DID IT…man I feel like a colossal attention whore and am ok with it)

WWNLive.com iPPV
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