Pro Wrestling Powerhouse

WWE Weddings: Holy Matrimony! Wrestling is a Soap Opera! Part 2

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Theodore Long & Krystal (Smackdown 2007)

Yes, one of Theodore Long’s multiple relationships with clueless women who find his innate talent of being stereotypically black led to a wedding with another black woman obviously.

You know how something that seemingly happens to absolutely no fanfare and then all of a sudden it gets promoted to the main thing for a single moment and then never brought up again until some British tosser remembers it for his wrestling wedding’s column?

Well, this is a very specific instance of such.

The best reason I can come up with for the reason that this wedding happened can be something along the lines of “OLD FACES RULE! LET’S GET SOME!”

The wedding itself had constant interferences from guys ranging from the Godfather and the midget. When it finally came to the “I Do’s”, Teddy would end up having one of the quickest and most non-fatal heart attacks I have ever seen.

Seriously, it’s like he had about five simultaneous heart attacks and it caused him to fall down. I guess I can’t necessarily say the wedding was completely pointless aside from main eventing one Smackdown because it did result in Vickie Guerrero becoming General Manager of Smackdown…wow what a way to get that started.

The angle may have been planned to continue for all I know because Krystal ended up leaving the company and would end up together with the newly revealed psychopathic MMA fighter, Bobby Lashley.

Long would recover obviously and would find another woman to be with who would stab him in the back just like in his old days in the hood.

This wedding may have had more to it if Krystal had stayed, but we will never know. This must show how bad Krystal is because at least Dawn’s husband had a sex crazed heart attack AFTER they got married…you know, seeing your partner before the wedding is bad luck.

Krystal…you’re a promiscuous woman!

Edge & Vickie Guerrero (Smackdown 2008)

This was during the start of what Vickie’s character has been for the past couple of years. It all started with Edge…well actually it started with Chavo the year before, but like most things about Chavo, we forget anything good happened.

Edge and Vickie were in one of the most openly and grotesque love parades in wrestling history. You know how some people are just openly disgusted by people who go out in public being grandly in love with each other?

Well that was Edge and Vickie pretty much (I don’t know what love is so I was confused by their grand gestures).

Edge proposed to Vickie on Valentine’s Day and they got married the Smackdown before the Great American Bash in July. The wedding happened before the show while the Smackdown that took place was the wedding reception.

I actually liked Edge & Vickie’s open gestures of love because it was so ridiculously over the top that I sometimes found myself smirking over the stupid romantic shit they were doing and not the kind of smirking where I was reaching for my patented sniper rifle.

The reception also helped make their stable La Familia seem like this controlling faction trying to make sure everybody got their way, which helped what was a dull and uninteresting faction.

Of course Triple H, who HAS to be in every wedding in WWE these days, would reveal that Edge kissed the Wedding Planner before the wedding leaving Vickie furious.

As an act of revenge against her husband, Vickie would reinstate The Undertaker so we could get a conclusion to that drawn out feud at SummerSlam.

However, the whole woman scorned thing? Forget that happened because in a couple of months Edge would return at Survivor Series 2008 with his wife in toll like nothing had ever happened.

Their marriage would last another couple of months before Edge divorced Vickie when she lost her position as General Manager because it was so brutally fucking obvious WHY Edge had married her in the first place.

You know, this wedding/marriage was a case of both the people involved really benefitting. Edge became the top heel on Smackdown at the time really playing up to the ultimate opportunist part of his character by being with the authority figure.

It was amazing how even with the very cheesy gestures of love from Valentines and going for romantic massages, he could still have a feud with Undertaker over the streak.

But Vickie…wow this made her into what she is today by becoming one of the most ear grating voices in the company, which unfortunately we are still seeing today, but I can’t blame her for that so I’ll just blame Dolph Ziggler.

Eric Young & ODB (Impact Wrestling 2012)

Fucking pointless and resulted in Eric Young being swallowed by the bear engulfing vagina of ODB for several months where he learned to fish. Moving on…

Daniel Bryan & AJ Lee (Raw 2012)

I was really scratching my head as to why this one took place. If it had happened on the Road to WrestleMania then I would have got it. But on the 1000 episode of Raw? Come on, it must have just been put on for the sake of promotion.

You see, Bryan and AJ split up on the Smackdown after WrestleMania XXVIII because of Bryan’s 18 seconds Sheamus damaging of all people loss. AJ would get involved in Bryan’s feud with CM Punk over the WWE Title and after Money in the Bank, Bryan proposed and the wedding was booked for the next week.

I’m sorry but who in the world thought that was just booking on the fly that made no sense? You did? Oh you’re only saying to agree with me.

The wedding happened and it ended up with AJ being revealed as the new General Manager of Raw leaving the wedding pointless. And for fucks sake, it amounted to nothing because The Rock came out almost immediately and had a promo with him resulting in Bryan getting attacked and insulted by Charlie Sheen (you know that celebrity that nobody gives a flying FUCK about).

AJ would use her position of General Manager as a means of paying back on Daniel Bryan leading him to become an individual filled with anger who lashes out at people…God somebodies been reading my stuff.

The best thing that can be said about this wedding is that it eventually caused the formation of Team Hell No, but it still makes the wedding of Bryan and AJ a complete waste of time that only really served to promote stuff that would occur on the historic 1000th episode of Raw that would only serve as masturbation to the previous era in wrestling.

Bully Ray & Brooke Hogan (Impact Wrestling 2013)

I guess I will go into this wedding as well and let it also serve as a review of the actual segment on Impact. Brooke ended up falling for the bad boy and her daddy was disapproving of the relationship despite Bully constantly saving his crippled ass from the League of Shadows.

Bully would end up proposing to Brooke to even more disapproval because…well…you may not know it, but Hulk is actually secretly in love with his own daughter.

You remember that Vince McMahon wanted to make himself the father of Steph’s baby? Well, Hulk is actually like that.

The actual angle was kept relatively separate from the big Aces & Eights angle so it was expected for those two to come together again at the wedding by Aces & Eights crashing it.

However…it was just a matter of HOW they were going to crash it. So for most of the night, Sting tried to convince Hulk to give Brooke away and put his jealously to the side for his daughter’s happiness (yes she probably would be happy with Hulk, but for this month it’s Bully).

The wedding went without a hitch until out of the groomsmen Tommy Dreamer, Brother Runt and Taz it would be the Brooklyn midget who would reveal himself to be the newest member of the League of Shadows.

What was his impact on the aftermath? Well he left the ring and let the League run rampant on the wedding while Brooke was held back and forced to watch.

Taz’s turn was a HUGE surprise for me because let’s face it NOBODY saw that coming. The wedding served its purpose and was fairly entertaining for all the reasons but the romance.

As long as Tommy Dreamer and Brother Runt aren’t here permanently then everything will be good.

Oh yeah and Brooke proudly declared that her boobs had popped out of her dress…and the camera turned away from Hulk’s trousers tightening.

[divider]

I can’t tell you how many times I have heard the statement that wrestling is intended to be a soap opera for morons…I mean men (although come to think of it morons can still be considered accurate).

Well actually, I could because I am awesome like that, but since you all are impatient bastards, I won’t try and keep you for this long because I am sure you have important things to do because that toilet paper isn’t going to buy itself.

Truth is, I can really see wrestling as that since I do actually watch Soap’s (or THE soap I guess would be more accurate). Wrestling has all of these storylines with twists and turns that intrigues the audience into wanting to come back and see how it turns out or go on the internet and look at a fucking dirt sheet website because they are too busy inhaling gas from the heater in the basement.

And wedding’s in soap’s are supposed to be unmitigated disasters from people already being married, throwing themselves off of roofs, getting married to their own adopted brothers etc. So, naturally, Wrestling Wedding’s should be even more disastrous.

So with that, let’s come up with a list of reasons that weddings take place just for those who scrolled to the very bottom of this column you impatient bugger:

  • Build’s up Heel’s as evil chaos causing bastards
  • Legitimately marry people off because it’s cheaper and showing off
  • Promoting a show
  • Make the couple even more hated as heels
  • Piss off activist groups
  • Sex related death
  • Because they openly hate each other like all married couples
  • Masturbating to old faces
  • So the woman can get closer and swallow the man
  • To be a disaster

And so there you have a retrospective on Wedding’s in Wrestling. Yes, I did probably forget some, but I think I got the main brunt of it. At least the life span of most of these marriages is realistic.

I do hope all marriages are happy and loving just so when it ends I can get an even sicker thrill out of seeing it blow up in their faces.

[divider]

[Zak Fellows doesn’t need love because he has himself]
At least when I have sex, I have it with somebody that I love

Check out Part 1 HERE!

 

 

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