Holy Matrimony! Wrestling is a Soap Opera People
I realize by now that I have probably painted myself as some kind of bitter loner who takes some kind of sick perverse joy in other people’s misery and hopes to make the world as miserable, cynical and handsome as me.
If you have noticed those themes, then please feel free to congratulate yourself by punching yourself in the crotch and uploading a video of it onto YouTube so I can have something to criticize.
However, despite this I have actually attended weddings before of family members and didn’t go out of my way to ruin it if only because I would have been killed if I did. But damn it do I hate it when all that stupid crap you imbeciles call ‘love’ come into wrestling.
Watching Genesis 2013 last Sunday, as uninteresting as a show as it was, in hindsight it kept banging on about the wedding on the very next Impact between Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan almost as if promoting a wedding between some bully that we are supposed to be rooting for and Hulk Hogan’s daughter who the Hulkster is secretly attracted to will cause a spike in the ratings (You see what I did there? Good because I never wanted to do it again).
Having now watched the wedding and the big reveal that the wedding was building to, I can safely say it did a good job. But I’ll get to Bully Ray and Brooke Hogan’s wedding more specifically later.
Wrestling Wedding’s that take place on camera have been in effect for over two decades now and people still consider it a good pool of entertainment.
In what I sure hope doesn’t turn into a running theme for me, I will be going through wrestling wedding’s that I remember personally and therefore if I miss any then you can call it and prove how much your life amounts to.
Hopefully, by going through these weddings, I can discover what weddings in wrestling are used primarily for and why they are still fucking going on.
This may be a long one so if you got plans then I suggest leaving now…and don’t try and pretend that you do:
Uncle Elmer & Some Woman (WWE Saturday Night Main Event 1985)
Ok, I kid. The woman is actually named Joyce Stazko who is famous for getting married to Uncle Elmer I guess. For those of you younger fans just joining us who have no idea who Uncle Elmer was, then first off all the WWE Attitude Era SUCKED!
And Uncle Elmer was pretty much the Great Khali and Giant Gonzalez of the 1970’s and 80’s in the sense that the only thing he had going for him was his size…oh yes and he was also a Hillbilly lest we forget because those are totally people that you want to cheer for.
The wedding itself is probably famous for being one of the first instances of a wedding being televised on a wrestling show and it being on the second Saturday Night’s Main Event definitely helps.
In the build-up to the actual ceremony, Roddy Piper would try and interfere and during the ceremony itself, Jesse Ventura would attempt to annoy Elmer and would read a poem criticising the wedding making him my hero.
The end result of Ventura’s heckling would result in him being attacked by Hillbilly Jim. The wedding was used to portray Ventura as having a superiority complex and believing the wedding was a gigantic waste of time considering that Uncle Elmer was the one getting married.
That’s how you portray how much of an egomaniac Ventura is by showing that he will actively try and ruin a wedding just to get a point across that he doesn’t like Hillbilly’s. Actually I want to ruin a hillbilly wedding…I need to find Jesse!
You know something else about this wedding? It wasn’t just done for the sake of good television. It was a legit wedding: Elmer and Joyce legitimately got married in a wrestling ring and Ventura tried to ruin a legitimate wedding reception.
Wrestling should stop trying to keep personal and professional lives separate and try and mix the two for that touch of magical realism.
Imagine if The Undertaker and Michelle McCool got married on TV? Actually, I am and it is too awesome for WWE to handle unless I was the priest so let us move on.
Randy Savage & Miss Elizabeth (WWE SummerSlam 1991)
Well, these two had technically been married in real life for years, but for a fake wedding between two people that were already married this was one hell of an event.
The two had been separated on WWE television since 1989 after Savage turned heel while he was the WWE Champion. After Savage lost a retirement match to The Ultimate Warrior, you know the one person EVERYBODY wanted to go away, he ended up tearfully reuniting with Miss Elizabeth ‘melting’ the hearts of the nation (I say that loosely because my heart is made of coal and it didn’t so much as warm over when I saw them reunite).
Anyway, Macho ended up proposing and the wedding was made for SummerSlam 1991.
The tag line for the event was intended to portray it as a double main event as it was tagged as ‘The Match made in Heaven…The Match made in Hell’. It promoted the wedding and some nothing handicap match that is more famous because WWE FINALLY got rid of Warrior which makes SummerSlam 1991 one of the greatest shows in wrestling history in my book (and WrestleMania VIII one of the worst).
The wedding went off without a hitch, but it was the reception where the most memorable part of the wedding took place. Elizabeth opened the presents like a good gold digger (I kid for the most part) and one was opened and…OH MY GOD A SNAKE!
Superfly must be planning to strike again! This allowed The Undertaker to knock down Savage with the urn. Jake Roberts and The Undertaker were made into two of the most evil and scary people that night because it quickly went from romance to horror.
The Jake Roberts/Randy Savage feud would escalate into even more nightmare inducing moments as I watched them intently. The SummerSlam wedding culminated what was a two-year storyline with the breaking up of the original couple in WWE and would begin a new storyline with Savage/Roberts.
Ironically enough, when Savage and Elizabeth got married on camera, they would end up legitimately divorcing the next year.
And as they say the rest is history and now both are dead…wow that was blunt but hey Lex Luger was involved…apparently.
Test & Stephanie McMahon/Triple H & Stephanie McMahon (WWE Raw 1999)
Yes, believe it or not, Stephanie wasn’t always known as being some slut who is married to one of the wrestlers.
Back in 1999 when Stephanie was first introduced as an on screen character, she was just Vince’s sweet and innocent teenage daughter who was in her twenties.
After being kidnapped by The Undertaker and blaming pops for it, she started a romance with relative unknown, Test. This storyline romance would be padded out for months in order to get to the fucking wedding and to not make it seem like a rushed teenage daughter romance.
You know like every single celebrity romance ever these days.
The padding out would include Shane McMahon being disapproving and Stephanie developing amnesia…hey, it was the Attitude Era!
The wedding went ahead and was interrupted by Triple H (this would kick start his habit of interrupting weddings). Triple H would reveal that he drugged Stephanie and the two got married through a Las Vegas drive in.
This portrayed HHH as a real scumbag who only did it at the time to piss off Vince McMahon who had beaten him for the WWE Title and to just ruin everything. At the time, HHH was trying to be built up as the top heel in the company and this really made him seem like an outright scumbag.
However, the feud that should have been Test standing up for his love against her forced husband never happened. Instead it became HHH vs. Vince and Test was kind of forgotten about.
That was Test’s chance to become a main eventer and a hero and instead he went right back to the mid-card where he would stay and discover Oxycodone.
However, what they missed with Test, they made up for with Stephanie.
At Armageddon 1999, Stephanie would cost her father his match with Triple H and the two would now become happily married.
This made Stephanie into the bitch that we all know she was and the innocent daughter thing was working for her…she’s a McMahon and in wrestling, McMahon might as well mean the same as Lucifer, Satan or Bill.
Triple H may have been a top heel at the time, but this wedding really cemented just how much of a bad guy he was if he wasn’t trying to be so loveably evil. Stephanie would end up becoming the top heel woman in the company as well (by default granted).
However, Test never really got as high as he did with this angle and it ended becoming another McMahon’s favourites vs. all the good guys.
As for Triple H and Stephanie…oh fuck you know how it ends.
Billy & Chuck (WWE Smackdown 2002)
…yep you read that right. There was a gay wedding on WWE TV. Over ten years ago…
The soap opera I watch when I’m not trying to kill myself had a gay wedding only last year. Wow, WWE was really ahead of its time.
Billy & Chuck, obviously taking a leaf from the process that WWE takes into naming it’s women, were portraying a tag team that were a bit too into each other and Chuck would end up proposing to Billy because he is in to ass to0 I guess.
This ended up getting a lot of attention from gay groups who were eager to see them tie the knot and for WWE to help give them power in the war for the right to gay marriage.
However, when the gay groups tuned into the wedding, what they got was a gigantic cop out. The wedding itself was fine. The team’s manager, Rico, was really into the romance between two guys because he wanted to be in a threesome. He really hammed up the love story between the two.
However, just before the “I Do’s” low and behold it was revealed to be a publicity stunt set up by Rico in order to get the two noticed and that is rather appropriate considering the wrestling environment of the present.
Turns out they are just friends (because they secretly like to think they are still in school) and the elderly priest who seemed to have been senile pulled off his mask and it was revealed to be Raw General Manager Eric Bischoff.
Raw tag team, 3 Minute Warning, ended up beating up Billy & Chuck with Rico by their sides until all four guys are chased off by the Smackdown roster.
A potential gay wedding had a cop out ending for the sake of continuing the Raw vs. Smackdown General Manager feud between Bischoff and Stephanie McMahon.
I guess it did make Bischoff a bit of a magnificent bastard by showing the lengths he would go to to ruin Smackdown even though he doesn’t realize that he is unintentionally getting people to watch the show.
The wedding itself was pointless and WWE killed what people were watching the wedding for. I think Billy & Chuck should have got married and continued the gay storyline. Let’s be honest, after the angle was done, both were dead in the water with no gimmick at all.
I bet gay groups were really disappointed and angry that WWE used their attention in order to make a big joke out of the gays ignoring that gay jokes are extremely easy to do and people still call others gay as a means of an insult even if they probably have no idea what the word means…and ten years later gays are still in the closet.
Way to go WWE you homophobes.
Al Wilson & Dawn Marie (WWE Smackdown 2002)
I’ll keep this one as quick as possible since I am sure many of you couldn’t care less about this one, but since I don’t care about any of you this will probably be extremely long.
Long story short, Al was Torrie Wilson’s father and Dawn Marie seduced Al in order to get Torrie into bed with her, but ended up falling in love with Al so they decided to tie the knot.
The wedding was pretty much intended and played for laughs. Both of them ended up getting married in their under crackers. That included Al as well and he should have been in Playgirl.
Anyway, the wedding was played for laughs and the honeymoon went to the logic step of joking fun time by having Al die via a sexual frenzy heart attack just like many of us would want to go that way.
This led to a Stepmother vs. Stepdaughter feud between Dawn and Torrie with Dawn blaming Torrie for her own father’s death. They would even have a fight at the funeral with a lamp!
So, Torrie is responsible for Dawn’s cardiac arrest causing vagina killing her pops?
Well yeah I would rather have Torrie die via sexual heart attack then Al because he was awesome.
Let’s be honest with ourselves…this wedding and entire angle was for perverts. Just like anything that Torrie Wilson was in.
And none of us complained about it as far as I can tell…and I’m not just saying that because my friend is currently engaged to Dawn Marie and I hate him.
Enjoy your honeymoon buddy…sucker.
Kane & Lita/Edge & Lita (WWE Raw 2004 & Raw 2005)
There you go everybody, but Matt Hardy got to marry Lita! Don’t you just feel sorry for the redneck bastard…uh no you shouldn’t because he is on the Internet?
Kane impregnated Lita so a child could continue his legacy (you know just like how all relationships start along with the promise of juice) and would end up winning the right to marry her.
The wedding isn’t that important apart from kick starting when the two would actually start to like each other thanks to Snitsky’s amazing miscarriage powers, but I want to cover it anyway because in terms of wrestling weddings, it may not be the most important but it was fucking hilarious.
Kane was happy to get married, wearing white and smiling, and Lita showed her disdain for the guy by coming out wearing black and openly declaring her dislike for him openly in the wedding vows and Kane pretty much saying it’s the end of her freedom which sounds remarkably like most wedding vows these days.
Matt Hardy ended up getting destroyed by Kane, so that must make it one of the best weddings in wrestling history.
From Kane to the next wedding with a man who also filled Lita with passionate monkey banana juices…
Matt Hardy, being the prima donna that he is, revealed the real life affair between Edge & Lita. He became one of the IWC members and got fired.
Meanwhile on TV, Lita would cost Kane a match for a world title shot against Edge and it was revealed she has been having an affair with Edge this whole time.
Of course, Kane was dropped from the angle shortly after Matt got rehired, but until then it was Kane vs. Edge & Lita.
Edge & Lita decided to get married just to cash in even more on the real life affair. This wedding was probably even more pointless then Kane’s wedding, but it did help make Edge & Lita two gigantic sex maniacs with the whole ‘money in the sack’ and Lita dressing up like a gigantic slut this time (but she did end up dating CM Punk so it makes sense).
It would end with Kane emerging from the ring and hitting the Tombstone on a priest. Wow…so out of control.
In terms of Kane & Lita’s wedding, it was a forced shotgun wedding between a woman who openly despised the guy she was marrying and an evil dude who has a way with romantic words, but it was entertaining at least.
Edge & Lita’s wedding was just cashing in more on the affair and seeing Lita dress up in revealing outfits alone won’t save it.
And also after the wedding, they were never addressed as married, just in a relationship, so it was pointless. Much like Matt Hardy.
Part 2 Coming Soon!